future

When I think about my Future I start to get scared.

 Why? 

Not really sure. 

I guess its because I am afraid of not being a success...

Not being what others want me to be...

Not being great. 

Stupid reasons to be afraid I know. 

But I cant help it. 

I have always been one to measure my success on what others think of me. 

I know I should be measuring it on what I am doing for God,

 and how I am letting him work in my life. 

  I guess one of the main things I am scared of when I think about my future,

 is actually stepping into the roll that God wants me to do. 

The woman that he has created me to be. 

THAT SCARES ME TO DEATH.

  I know he has amazing things in store for my life.

 I know he wants to use me to help others heal, 

To help others know that no matter what life they have been given, 

no matter what choices they have made,

 that they are amazing and wonderful and LOVED.

That they are able to get out of the place they are at because of God. 

Just by letting the Spirit fill them. 

Letting God dictate their future.

By deciding to rely on Him and not themselves. 

But before I can help others understand this... 

I guess I need to believe 100% that I am amazing and wonderful 

and that someone can love me for who I am. That God loves me for who I am because he made me. Because he put me together in my mothers womb.

 Because I am GREAT....

(still not believing that all the way yet...the great part).

 This is the real Elly.

 The Elly that not many people know.

 Because in front of people... I am the out going one. 

The one that helps people feel like they have a place in the group. 

The one who reaches out and makes others feel good about themselves. 

The one laughing and smiling. 

But inside I am not that person. 

I have always said I am the same person I am on sunday as I am on friday night. 

But in reality thats not true.

 I am not the same person.

I am a lonely, afraid, self conscious girl who wishes I could step into My fullness who wants to knock down the walls I have built and live in the now.

 A woman who is so consumed with making others happy that she cant keep herself happy.  

  I am in the process of finding the Elly,

 who can say honestly that she loves herself and knows that she is AMAZING and beautiful and wonderful.

But it's becoming a long journey....

Lots of bumps and steep hills. 

I know that in the end ...

This journey is going to have a happy ending.

Because God holds my Future!